What Else Is In Scott's Head?

The blog site for writer Scott C. Smith. Some observations on the world we live in and life in general. And maybe some politics.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Most Depressing Day

Today (Jan. 24) is the worst day of the year; the most depressing day of the year. This according to U.K. psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall, in a story appearing today on MSNBC.

Dr. Arnall devised a complicated formula to determine the most depressing day of the year. It's pretty technical, so I'm going to present it as explained by MSNBC:

[W+(D-d)] x TQ
M x NA


"The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action."

So, today sucks, according to Dr. Arnall.

“Following the initial thrill of New Year's celebrations and changing over a new leaf, reality starts to sink in...the realization coincides with the dark clouds rolling in and the obligation to pay off Christmas credit card bills," Arnall told MSNBC.

Good thing I'm listening to Morrissey right now.

Now, if you're suffering from the blues today, let me offer up something that I hope will put a smile on your face. Yes, it's time for another wacky episode of The Adventures of Bush and Rove. For new readers, this is my blog sitcom about the most powerful man in America, and the President of the United States.

I used to have a theme song, but for this episode, I'll just use I'll Be There For You, by the Rembrants, which was the theme song to Friends. You know how it goes.

We are in the Oval Office. KARL ROVE is sitting in a chair. He glances at his watch to see it is 9:17 a.m.

Finally, at 9:26 a.m., the door to the Oval Office opens and PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH steps in. Rove stands as Bush heads for his desk.

Rove: Good morning, sir.
Bush: Mornin' Karl. Did you get some breakfast? They're serving up Coco Crispies. Good stuff.
Rove: I had breakfast at home, sir.
Bush (sitting down): Oh, well, good for you. Breakast will make you a champion. Right?
Rove: Right. (Rove sits down). There is a pause. Then:

Rove: Sir, you're not wearing pants.
Bush (incredulously): Course I am, Karl. Laura dresses me every day. Why would she forget to put on my pants?
Rove: All the same, sir, I think you'll find you are missing your pants.
Bush: Hogwash.
Rove: Just touch your leg.
Bush: Yeah? I've got my pants on.
Rove: Sir, you're touching your arm.
Bush: Oh.

BUSH looks down at his lap.

Bush: You're right! No pants. Oh well, Karl. Some people do their best work pantless. Did you know that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling with no pants?
Rove: I, uh, was not aware of that fact.
Bush: True story, Karl. Learned it at school. So, Karl, what are we going to do with this mandate I won in the election?
Rove: Well, sir, spreading democracy throughout the world is a good idea.
Bush: Yes it is. I spent a lot of time thinkin' that one up, Karl. BUSH knocks on head. See? There's more up here than some hot air.
Rove: So, what region of the world did you want to focus on?
Bush: I was thinking of this country. Somewhere west, maybe. I don't remember exactly where. But I know they need democracy.
Rove: Okay, but which country?
Bush: No, don't rush me, Karl. It's that country with the kangaroos.
Rove: Australia?
Bush: No, that aint it. Help me out, Karl. Kangaroos, that fellow who wrastles gators...
Rove: Australia?
Bush: No, no, I'm pretty sure it's not Australia. Remember that band? Air Supply? Laura and I loved Air Supply. They're from the country I want to liberate.
Rove: Are you sure it's not Australia?
Bush (singing): "Lost in love and I like donuts was I thinkin' aloud"...remember that tune, Karl?
Rove: Sure. (Thinking) Say. Is the country OZstralia?
Bush: Yes! That's the one!
Rove: They have a democracy, sir.
Bush: No, no. Terribly oppressed. By the Taliban.
Rove: Er, where did you hear that, sir?
Bush: From the CIA. You know how great their intelligence information is. They were dead on correct about Iraq, that's why I gave Tenet that medal.
Rove: Sir, I think they may be wrong about this one.
Bush: Nah, Karl. Just imagine: a thriving democracy surrounded by ice and penguins.
Rove: Ice and penguins?
Bush: Yes sir. In Australia, they have ice, penguins, polar bears, and, soon, democracy.
Rove: Sir, I think you mean Antarctica.
Bush: Nah, that's the country that band came from...what was their name? Men at Work. Remember them?
Rove: Sir, Men at Work hail from Australia, not Antarctica.
Bush: Well, Karl, I know you mean well, but I'm going to side with the CIA on this one.
Rove: Er...
Bush: So, Karl, how do we spread democracy to Australia?
Rove: Well...uh...

BUSH is digging through his desk. He finally produces a small silver rectangular device.

Bush: See this, Karl? It's a Nintendo DS.
Rove: Yes, my nephew has one.
Bush: Well, I got this from mom and dad for Christmas...can't put the blasted thing down. Here's my idea, Karl. We get those engineers from Nintendo to create a video game about democracy, and then we load the game up into about a million of these, and we drop them down. Hopefully the penguins and polar bears will stay away from 'em. With this tool, we can teach those Oztralian folks all about democracy. I'm also going to have 'em built with a laser beam. And if they see someone from the Taliban creepin' towards 'em, they can blast the bastard with the laser.
Rove: That's quite an...ambitious...agenda.
Bush (picking up telephone): Hello? Get me Satoro san. He's the president of Nintendo.
Rove: I'll leave you to your call, sir.
Bush: Thanks, Karl. You know, maybe I should send you to Oztralia myself. You can get me some pitchers of all of the penguins and polar bears, and let me know what it's like to walk on a giant mass of ice.
Rove: Yes, sir.

The End


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